Von Marburg Disappointed After ‘Peaceful Prayer’ Fails To Halve YES Vote.

“It worked with Abortion numbers, why didn’t it work this time?” Says ‘Dr’ Gayland Von Marburg. Von Marburg has long been an avid protestor against the basic rights and life choices of women and minority’s throughout our community. Affiliated with Helpers Of God’s Precious Infants Group or HOGPIG for short (seriously that’s what they call themselves). Von Marburg’s Albury Right To Life group is widely known for its far from peaceful protesting outside of Englehardt Street’s Albury Abortion Clinic.

“Recently we have seen success in our practice of peaceful prayer, it’s evident in the numbers of abortion in Albury halving from what they once were”, says Von Marburg. It seems Von Marburg is failing to take into account the fact, that maybe women who have made the difficult and personal choice to go through with a termination of pregnancy, do not find it necessary to be bullied and perhaps further traumatised by protestors. So quite possibly they’ve made the trip elsewhere to avoid such behaviour. After all as Von Marburg said himself in a recent interview with The Border Mail’s Anthony Bunn, NOBODY LIKES TO BE VILIFIED. Seriously without irony that is a direct quote.

It was the practice of ‘peaceful prayer’ displayed by Von Marburg that led to an unexpected email from No Vote campaign funder, Wodonga restaurant reputation ruiner and all round shit bloke Kyle Shelton. “Kyle got in contact with me regarding my recent success through the practice of peaceful prayer and was keen to catch up on his visit to Albury”, says Von Marburg. “I was honoured to assist and invited him for a sleepover the night before his function so we could strategise long into the night”.

After a long night strategising whilst top and tailing in a trundle bed on the floor of Von Marburg’s man cave. The two came up with what they deemed to be a solid plan. “We went really deep, Kyle really drove some hard points home”, recalls Von Marburg. “I really respect what he’s been able to achieve, penetrating his points from different angles to achieve his goals”. By the end of the night, the two concluded that the ‘peaceful prayer’ strategy would be greatly beneficial to their cause.

Despite the passion behind Shelton’s nonsensical points and the pairs peaceful prayer strategy, Australia has voted YES for Marriage Equality (WOOO HOOOO!!!!). Which of course is great news for those of us who have compassion for people’s basic human rights. However Von Marburg and Shelton could not be more disappointed. “I really thought ours prayers would be answered like last time, Kyle won’t return my calls now, I’m devastated”, says Von Marburg. “He ran a sustained and orchestrated campaign, which I have great respect for. I hope we can continue our friendship, it was great to be part of two men united by their passions for the same cause”.

It is people like Gayland Von Marburg and Kyle Shelton that make the victory of the YES vote all the more sweeter. This $122 Million postal vote while bringing a positive result for the LGBTI community has in turn dragged them through the mud. Having to deal with a highly funded campaign against their own personal equality is the most demeaning and unnecessary process imaginable. Therefore today is a day to celebrate and feel great pride in the result we have accomplished. Hate may have had the loudest voice, yet love and compassion won in the end.

#FAKENEWS

Credit: Martin Mockenbolt & Sue Mi

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